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A Pirate in Charlotte revolves around the humorous exploits and conventional “wisdom” of “Ol’ Sawtooth,” a pirate, who having made a wrong turn at the Bermuda Triangle, finds himself transported to modern day washed up on the shores of Lake Norman, just outside the Charlotte, NC metropolitan area. A Pirate in Charlotte was concieved as a replacement for Somewhere in Charlotte an outlet for local humor that never really took off.
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ALL JOKES ARE ORIGINAL CREATIONS OF THRILL LAND
RETURN TO HOME
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I didn't choose the pirate life. The pirate life chose me!
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I came to the Internet chasin' stories of booty. But what I found I don't think it's the booty I was lookin' for.
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Muh therapist says gotta be expressin' muh feelin's more, so here it goes:
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!"
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!"
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Arrr! Jest challenged m'self to a duel.
Win or lose, neither of me be walkin' outta this alive
Win or lose, neither of me be walkin' outta this alive
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I'm a pirate who can't swim.
Yes, muh commitment to goin' down with the ship is that great!
Yes, muh commitment to goin' down with the ship is that great!
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I got booted outta the Navy.
They says I curse too much.
They says I curse too much.
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Regular People: Your - You Are - You're
Pirates: Yer.
Make life less complicated. Be a pirate!
Pirates: Yer.
Make life less complicated. Be a pirate!
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Row, row, row yer boat chuck 'em out to sea.
He can't swim but to hail with 'em.
He drank my last Pepsi
He can't swim but to hail with 'em.
He drank my last Pepsi
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Hoist the bandwidth! Batten down the data caps!
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What shall we do with a drunken sailor? What shall we do with krunken stapler? What cow can chew with shrunken sabber? So shorely in the... ZZZzZzZzZzzzzz....
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I think I be a victim of cancel culture. I didn't pay for my Netflix, and it ain't there no more.
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Arrr! Why there be no emoji with an eye patch?! Confounded, land-lovin' devils!
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Ladies, if ye need to light a little signal fire in the bedroom jest say t'yer fellas, "Talk to me like a pirate!"
Which if'n they be real men, and not boys, they'd be doin' anyway! Arrr!
Which if'n they be real men, and not boys, they'd be doin' anyway! Arrr!
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Folks, they, ask me how do I manage being a pirate an' doin' the Twitters.
To which I say, "The same way ye manage not gettin' fired from a job while always sittin' on yer hindquarters.
The two ain't mutually exclusive, ye consarn, loafin' blunderbuss."
To which I say, "The same way ye manage not gettin' fired from a job while always sittin' on yer hindquarters.
The two ain't mutually exclusive, ye consarn, loafin' blunderbuss."
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I know not the correct response to some lass sayin', "I love ye." But upon me experience, it probably ain't, "What in the world would ye do that fer?"
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New pirate COVID-19 slogan:
"Arrr! Raise a flask, wear yer mask!'
"Arrr! Raise a flask, wear yer mask!'
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Jest the utter day, I sees this sign what reads, "You must be wearing a mask to enter." So I folds a flap over muh yap...
And immediately threw off me pants and whatnot cuz thems the rules, y'know?
And immediately threw off me pants and whatnot cuz thems the rules, y'know?
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Lads, lasses, mateys! I know we be a divided nation, but let us not be breakin' ourselves down into "Arrr!" "Gar!" and "Yarr!" camps like those durn, uncivilized land-lovers! We all pirates be and dar be room nuff fer the whole lot of us!
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Yarr, it be rainin' all the utter night, the waters a-risin', they did. And the devil's hand upon me, if'n me backyard might not at this instance be called an ocean.
And, mateys, I've never been happier!
And, mateys, I've never been happier!
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So was jawin' on with an old swab jest the utter day, I was, an' says to me he jest finished paintin' an accent wall.
"An accent wall?" says I, "Ain't even knowed walls could talk supposed it be sayin' "greazy" instead of "greasy," it would.
"An accent wall?" says I, "Ain't even knowed walls could talk supposed it be sayin' "greazy" instead of "greasy," it would.
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When ye been had piratin' as long as I, lads, well, ye can stand nightmares. It's wakin' up every day to a 40 hour work week what scares the bejeebers outta me!
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Yesterday, some swab comes right up to me an' says, "Ye wouldn't know a mizzen from a main mast."
Lads, them's fightin' whar-ds!
Lads, them's fightin' whar-ds!
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I do be apologizin' fer muh absence of late. See, I've been sailin' on the high seas, I have.
An' by sailin' I means to say "sittin,'" an' by the high seas I means to say, o' course, me "hindquarters." Gar.
An' by sailin' I means to say "sittin,'" an' by the high seas I means to say, o' course, me "hindquarters." Gar.
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Some folks, they, be askin' me. Why I says "land-lovers" instead of "land-lubbers"?
What they take me fer some durn stereotype!? Arrr! #shivermetimbers #yohoho #scurvydevils
What they take me fer some durn stereotype!? Arrr! #shivermetimbers #yohoho #scurvydevils
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Gar, some times I be gettin' nasty comments 'bout me figure, I do.
Ain't fair, it is! Jest like to see 'em try an' get 10,000 steps in by walkin' the plank!
Ain't fair, it is! Jest like to see 'em try an' get 10,000 steps in by walkin' the plank!
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Yougins to-day got all dar pornographies all 'bout the Internet, they has. All what they could ever want!
Whar! In me day, all we hads were illustrations of topless mermaids.
An', by Davy, to-day, I can't walk into a fish market without leavin' with a stiff plank, arrr!
Whar! In me day, all we hads were illustrations of topless mermaids.
An', by Davy, to-day, I can't walk into a fish market without leavin' with a stiff plank, arrr!
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I was diggin' fer buried treasure, I was, when I thought I struck the mother load.
Gar, turns out it was jest the water main.
Gar, turns out it was jest the water main.
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Jest the utter day, lass asks me if'n I be married. I says, "Married is jest a number." Gar!
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Whar! Jest had a terrible thought me lads! Confounded face
What if Sir Mix-a-Lot was a-lyin' about his inklin' towards large posteriors!?
#piratesforthebooty
What if Sir Mix-a-Lot was a-lyin' about his inklin' towards large posteriors!?
#piratesforthebooty
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What happens at sea stays at sea, mateys!
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Gar, why dar toothbrush I be a-keepin' in muh car always smell like Davy Jone's tant.
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Yarr, it's been o'er 20 years, it has, lads. And alas! We still be no closer to figurin' as to "Who Let the Dogs Out?
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Alas me lads! I think I be losin' me edge, I do. There be but only one solution.
Aye! A sharper cutlass!
Aye! A sharper cutlass!
ALL JOKES ARE ORIGINAL CREATIONS OF THRILL LAND
RETURN TO HOME
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